After the circle of Goddesses in Hawaii completed their work, I felt sparkly, recharged, new and amazing! My thighs felt tight and strong, my trunk felt strong, I felt vital, smiley, and saw diamond-like sparkles fly from me. I felt more like me than I recall ever feeling before!
I stretched out to soak in this feeling of strength and to enjoy how good I felt. I had forgotten that I had ever felt this good~~ or had I? Before the crucifixion perhaps?
I saw a glimpse of Jeshua and I slow dancing in our mauve and powder blue loose-fitting, comfortable, gunny sack garments. We were in a small home with wooden slats, it was very simple, but I could not have been happier, because I was with him.
I felt amazing in his arms and his company, it seemed that there was nothing that we couldn't be, do or have that we truly wanted, and we both knew what was important in Life, and what wasn’t.
I remembered suddenly that I had felt superb in Eden before the fall. That had never really occurred to me before! I mean, theoretically and in principle it had, but I’d never imagined or tried to remember what daily Life was like with Adam in Paradise. It now seemed a rather large, important omission.
Suddenly, the urge to merge with My Beloved overcame me so strong!!
I thought of Jeshua, and he descended around my auric field in his smooth, soft white spirit. I felt so held and my energy changed. I almost missed the sparkliness that I had felt on my own, as that was an incredible rush and I wished that I would have just stayed in it longer, to remember and anchor that feeling… but this too was precious. I was not alone. I was one becoming two, I was two becoming one. In Jeshua's container it was clear that being it was not Jeshua that I wanted... it was Adam!!!
Adam. (He was called by a different name now, and with his Beloved, but I didn't want to be with who he is now, I wanted to be with who he was THEN, and THERE). I wanted Adam!! **:)☮♥✿
Was it okay? I saw his face, and I remembered that I once dearly Loved him in Eden!! I had not revisited the thought or the feeling of that Love since!
We dearly Loved each other… I remembered what he liked to say in this Life, “Let my smile be your umbrella” and that his smile was that to me then. I drew so much happiness, strength and support from his big, wide open smile; I cherished his slightly plump lower lip.
He gazed at me openly, with his big, brown eyes, so generously complemented with long, curved lashes~ and suddenly, I could see everything clearly!! I saw the entire history of my Love Life from an entirely new perspective!
I understood what had been wrong and missing all along—not just in my Love Life, not just in my Life, not just in my soul history, but between the Male and Female. And the greater world at large! I suddenly got what had been holding me back, pecking at me, weighing on me; keeping me from feeling the way that I was right now: I was carrying everyone’s judgments around female sexuality.
As Eve, I carried the judgment (unfairly) as Temptress, and as Magdalene, the (incorrect) judgment of Whore. They were cemented on my body, my being. I thought of the Donatello's desperate and awful Magdalene sculpture that made me so sick! I abhorred it and was completely disgusted by it!! I wanted to find it, tear it down, and destroy all pictures of it so that no one could ever see or hold that image of me again! Now I understood the origin of it. He was right. I did look like that—that was the aspect of me that had been pecked away by people’s judgments.
I finally realized why I felt COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY FREE (the only time in my entire Life, by the way) when I was with Delaney, because when I was with him, he didn't put those judgments on me (or did he block me from them?). And when we were together, we were in Eden.
Suddenly, I realized why my husband and I had been such insatiable Lovers. He was my first Lover and we quite literally could not get enough of each other. We were in Eden. And then, the moment that we married, we experienced the banishment from it.
I gazed at Adam Lovingly and we were connected. My body deeply desiring to merge with his, to fill in that space that was once his rib!! I remembered that when our bodies came together, I completed that part in him, and we both felt and longed for that wholeness.
I remembered what it felt like to be with him~ the length of his torso, his legs, where I would see his shoulders, his strong and sinewy arms, the way he would balance by holding on to my breasts. I was starting to remember and it felt so satisfying. I wanted more.
There was one problem, though, the left side of my Heart really hurt!! That old familiar pain in that old familiar spot. No matter how many healings I had done on myself, or others had done for me, it remained.
What was it? Was it wrong for me to be with Adam because he was an attached man in this Life? Suddenly, I saw Lilith. She was hidden in a tree watching us; black energy all around her. She hated me, she hated our union, she hated watching our ecstatic bliss and frolicking play, while she fought insurmountable and beastly demons, and him acting with the stolen impunity of someone who had not even mentioned her! She was furious!!!
She placed the pain in my Heart, so that I would not be able to fully ignore her. And that I could not have him without it. I would not be completely free to Love him without sharing in some of her pain.
I did not know about her. I did not know that I did not know about her until this moment. There was a stream that ran from my Heart to her, a black stream of pain. “I Love You, I Am Sorry, Please Forgive Us, Thank You.” I silently sent through this stream. “I Love You, I Am Sorry, Please Forgive Us, Thank You.” Again and again and again. Until the pain released.
That was ALL that she has needed this entire time!! For her presence to be acknowledged!! And to be asked permission! I completely understood that and her. It was only right. She deserved that and it had been denied her.
WHAT a Revelation!!! This entire time, I had thought that it was me {The Magdalene} who needed recognition in order for The Feminine to be healed, but it turns out that it was Lilith all along! I was happy to give that to her as I knew intimately the pain of dismissal, being maligned and marginalized. And in doing so, I knew that it would also be given to me! It is so wonderfully healing to give to others that which we ourselves need.
I asked her permission and so did he. She said yes. We both smiled. See how easy that was? Not every match is going to last and it’s okay to have a history. It’s okay to move on. But it must be done pono~ to use a Hawaiian word~ it must be done right, truthfully and with character.
I have known for some time now that the most important part of a relationship is the foundation. And that what a man says to you first indicates the nature of the entire relationship and how it will go.
As Adam was the first man, and I was waking up to this world anew, he found it difficult to explain that I was not the first. He watched me in my sleeping state and tried to devise a way to tell me about it, in a way that wouldn’t start us off on the wrong foot. Or that wouldn’t take away any of my joy of exploration, or any of our joy of being together. He sat there, watching me sleep, in Love with me and under the spell of beauty~ he didn’t want to break it.
I knew it was True, what I was being shown, because I had relived this moment with Brian. Locked out of my dorm, we spent the night getting to know one another, and I slept in my clothes on his loveseat~ legs bent over the arm rest.
I woke in the morning and he was sitting on the floor looking at me. He was down by my left hip, looking up softly at my face, and it was one of the most magical, tender, unforgettable moments of my Life. He was reflecting my beauty back to me.
“Your makeup is perfect” was the first thing that he said. And, “I haven’t been here all night…” as if to explain. But it wasn’t the least bit awkward~ there was nothing to explain. I could tell that he thought that I looked beautiful, because that was how he made me feel. And that’s how I was beginning to feel about him.
What was implied-- and I hadn’t made the connection until now-- was that there was an omitted comparison. He had apparently seen a woman wake up with her makeup a mess. “That’s because we weren’t mashing” I said, the only time that I recall using the ’hip’ word of the day, attempting to be humble when I was on cloud 9. To my knowledge, there wasn’t another woman in Brian’s Life, and I am pretty sure that that was the case.
But he had obviously been with one before.
As Adam watched me, trying to formulate the words in a way to tell me, or decide when would be the appropriate moment to tell me, I awoke. He looked at me so warm, tender and Lovingly. What a beautiful way to be welcomed into the world!
“You are so beautiful!” He said, and sounded a bit surprised by it. “You’re just perfect for me.” What I missed, in my first moments of Life, was that there was a hint of comparison in his words.
And because the energy that I was born into was a mix of Love for me and fear of how he might explain our present circumstance~~ my first words were, “Hello!" and " Are we alone?” And right off the bat, he chose to lie. “Yes!” He said. “Let me show you around!” And we began our time in Paradise. To me, it was so fresh and new, and I presumed that it was for him too. And as our Foundation was a lie, the end had already been put into motion...!
Then I recalled, fast forward to 1986. After my husband and I quickly fell in Love, the first time that I went to his house; there was a subscription to Parenting Magazine on the coffee table. It struck me as peculiar, as there were no babies around… and it was addressed to HIM! It was a pretty clear message as to what was going on, but when I asked him about it in front of his Mother, he claimed that it just must be some mix up in the mail and that he had called multiple times to try and cancel it but it just kept coming. As I have learned, dysfunction is contagious, and his Mom seemed to buy it, so I happily hopped on board as I was madly in Love with him and wanted to be with him.
It was not until 3 years into our MARRIAGE that he confessed that he had slept with someone else before me and gotten her pregnant. They were both virgins and exceptionally young. He never contacted her again, avoided her, and never knew what she did about it. He took no responsibility at all, to avoid facing his parents and because he didn't want to miss out on an opportunity to fall in Love with me. (FuckingCatholics).
I have known a lot of people—especially young, hippified ones-- who referred to their partner as their wife, when in fact no such ceremony had actually occurred. (As a Priestess, ceremonies are important to me, it makes a difference). I take responsibility for not asking him directly if he was married. I am bolder now and would not make the mistake again. But to my chagrin, I later found out that he was in fact, legally and in all ways actually, married.
So, there was an unresolved theme. I could see that our time in Paradise was doomed because we had started off from the wrong foundation. Something was bound to upset the apple-cart.
I wanted to revisit and remember Eden and my union with Adam. But his presence was fading. “Adam!” I said, “I am the one who came from you! And I want to come to you now!” My desire was peaking and it seemed like it couldn't end this way. Not just fade away! There was something wanting to happen, a Divine impetus had begun that called for completion and revelation.
I felt the parting and the lack of him and the separation was painful. A momentary grey sky formed over my psyche. He reappeared, the sky cleared, this time with his Love (in this Lifetime). He led her by the hand and he was smiling. I was lying down, and he lay down with me. I looked to her and she gave me a confident nod of approval.
“We’re going to do this right this time.” He said, and smiled the smile of a man who knew that he had done the right thing. Now, we could fully surrender to the experience. Now, he was with me but I felt myself withdraw from him. I turned my head slightly to the left and felt distant. I was afraid that this was just a physical experience for him.
“Be with me!” he said. “I am here fully with you, you have me body, mind and spirit!” And he was. I could feel him connect with me on all levels. I sank into comfort and pleasure of the delightfulness that is him.
Suddenly, I saw a wildebeest with red eyes and a red mouth and razor sharp teeth snap at my breasts. I had seen this image many times before; sometimes it would tear at my breasts, but mostly just threatening to. I had never known what that was. Through the years, it had come and gone.
There was darkness and a pulsing… a black tunnel opened and I felt that we were going to Eden. He said, “We were there. We are the ones who remember. We remember. We remember...” And I saw and felt it! The green leaves under us, the tree above us. He ran to the lagoon first, the one with the small, gentle waterfall on the right. He jumped in. I remembered exactly what I looked like, I could see myself as he saw me. He looked just the same, smiling his big smile, encouraging me to get in the water.
It was the grandest happiness, the kind of happiness that had eluded me (all of us) in this modern world. The kind of Life and happiness that I had desperately desired to Create for as long as I could remember. Modern Life had never held appeal for me and always seemed a lousy cheap substitute. I could never understand how other people seemed to have so easily submitted and succumbed to it. THIS was how Life was supposed to be!! Wild, free, temperate, pleasurable~~ everything was so sensual!! Standing there naked under the trees eating the most pure and colorful, fat fruits at perfect ripeness!
Running and wrestling amongst the green, bathing and swimming and showering in the nearby pools and waterfalls, and falling asleep next to a lion to feel his fur on my skin.
We would Make Love throughout the day, all day long. It was a natural expression of our happiness, our closeness, our Love, our joy, our radiance, our vitality. It was Life itself expressing itself through us. I wanted him always and he wanted me too.
We would play and dance when it rained, and he would say, “You are so beautiful in the rain,” and I could see and feel that he meant it. My desire to merge with him was almost more than I could bear. I wanted to shine for him, but also to hide my face sometimes, so that he would gently turn it to him to behold. Sometimes his bold attraction made me blush.
When I was pregnant~ was that a henna tattoo on my belly? Had we found a way to make henna? I suppose it was possible~ or perhaps it was symbolic. Sometimes I would have to make Love to him so hard, so that I wouldn't burst with all that I was feeling! It was not just Love and happiness, sometimes there was excruciating sadness, of what I did not know. There was immense beauty, exquisiteness and poetry that came with being pregnant and I was feeling a depth and complexity of emotions that I had not known before.
I wanted him to feel them with me, to share in all that was happening inside of me, so that he would know it too. These impulses needed to be expressed, related with and released and they were far beyond words. I knew of no other way to involve him in these torrents than to thrust them from my body into his. He would sit or kneel and I would sit and or kneel over him. His hands would travel from my back to my breasts, enjoying the slipperiness of my skin that a gentle rain had granted. It was so beautiful to have my growing belly between us, and made us already feel like a family.
He did not fear me in any state. He could contain all of the complexities of my hills and my valleys. Sometimes in his Love-making, he would have the fire of a lion in him. He was wild, pounding and fierce! But always Loving. So Loving! I was never afraid when I was with him.
Sometimes when I was alone and reflective in the Garden, I could sense that there was something unknown to me. Something about that place, some energy, some great secret that I could not quite put my finger on. The rocks would whisper about it. There was a part of me that wanted to know, and a part of me that was so happy with the way that things were, that I did not want to know. It was in this lingering question that ultimately the Tree of Knowledge was made irresistible to me. I wanted to know, where did my Beloved go when he pulled away from me, and why would he do that??
Without transparency, there can not be a complete peace and intimacy between Beloveds. A seed of disharmony and doubt had entered such a pure container, and it would erupt into the messiest torrent of exiles!!
The scene was changing, and now we were standing, in a circle, Lilith on his right, his new mate on his left, and me on her left. Lilith hugged me and I her. She kissed me on the lips. Not in a sensual way, but in a way that acknowledged that we are one—that we share the same Lifeforce inside. Adam hugged her and she kissed him and black tentacles came out of her and wrapped around his head. It was weird to me, but I suddenly knew that the wildebeests that I had seen for so many years, that they were hers. I knew that I would not see them again. I had just a moment where it bothered me that they kissed, but I recognized it as a completion, as a peace offering and the feeling easily and quickly passed. He turned and hugged and kissed his new mate passionately. I celebrated their union and smiled for them. She turned and kissed me. It was unexpected, but I knew that there was an essence that we were sharing with one another. It was likely the essence of forgiveness, of harmony, of cooperation, of understanding and acknowledgement. Accepting what Is and that there is a place in Divine Order for all of Us! That there is a place in Community for Us All. And in our openness, transparency and Loving nature, there is no reason to fear anything.
The sharing of this essence and harmony needed to happen before we would gain entry into New Eden. ☮♥✿
Then it occurred to me, I would not have met Adam or his Beloved (in this Life) if it wasn't for Lilith. I wouldn't have met Norea The Incorruptible either or even Christ~~ and The Tree of Life would not have been restored!! She had done it. We had done it. Completed our Karma, so that New Eden could and would come to be! I felt an honest gratitude towards her and it was nice to be able to think of her and genuinely smile.
--Excerpt from my Book
#SeeYouInNewEden #MitakuyeOyasin #MalamaAina #MalamaPono #MalamaKakou #Aloha
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