*PLEASE NOTE:*
{The writer requests that you do not comment or reply to this post, as at the time that it is written, most people do not know how to do so with enough sensitivity, in a compassionate, non-violent way. She is not interested in your Spiritual Axiom of the Week, nor is she interested in hearing the defense of men. The writer already knows that "all men" are not alike and that "all men" don't abuse or rape women. The writer is also aware that this is not as uncommon occurrence as it should be, as violence has happened to One Billion Women.}
In the Spirit of raising consciousness and understanding, to those ends, I share (one of) my personal experiences with violence. As we can not change what we do not acknowledge. I have healed from this experience, so I am able to share it openly. I also speak for those who are not yet able to do so...
It was February 14th, 1991.
We were newly-wed, and it would be our first Valentine's Day ever!! I wanted it to be special and sexy and romantic and Fun!! After much cajoling, my husband agreed to take a trip to Texas to visit a friend of mine and her husband. He was concerned about money, but I assured him that we could drive and stay with them, so it would be fairly cheap. Finally, he agreed.
As I knew we would be there over Valentine's Day, I planned a surprise for him for that evening, by purchasing a new bra & panty set. It wasn't my first choice, but in the interest of frugality, I went with cotton. It was true red with little black polka dots and the tiniest bit of lace trim at the legs & waist, with a tiny black bow. It was cute and it would do fine. It would also be our First Anniversary on the 17th (three days later) and we would still be traveling then, so I was tempted to get a cream colored one as well, but thought best against it.
Valentine's was our Special Day, as we'd gotten engaged on it two years earlier, and married on February 17th the following year (the closest Saturday to it). I thought that Valentine's Day was the best. day. of. the. Calendar. Year!!!
We left on the 11th, and spent a day & night in Austin and Hill Country, and were surprised to discover a Vineyard & Winery and a Marina. It was a great day. Next stop was San Antonio, and we lolly-gagged around the River Walk, took in a NBA game, drank GINORMOUS margaritas and ate monstrosities named Burritos, for $4. It was Mardi Gras, and there was a gorgeous parade of Lighted Boats, Bands, Costumes, Festival Music... Fantastic~!!
The next day, on the 14th we arrived at my friend's house, outside of Dallas. We poked around town, he showed us his office, we saw the stadium. Next, they proposed that we go to a "Gentleman's Club." I could think of nothing that I would rather do less. Firstly, the fact that it is called a 'gentleman's club' is a complete misnomer, as there are no gentlemen in it! Secondly, this was NOT my idea of romance, or celebrating our marriage, or celebrating Valentine's Day... In fact, it was the complete opposite!! I said no about a dozen times, but I was out-voiced, and out numbered. We went.
We sat a round table in the middle of the room, about halfway between the door and the stage. It was daylight, there were a lot of empty tables and it was bright as a hospital cafeteria. This place, that they ASSURED ME was "elegant," was in fact, skuzzy, as all strip clubs, and I tried to figure out the least unpleasant place to put my eyes.
Was it on the pale, female dancer in nothing but a G-String? Nope! Was it in the eyes of the men in the room? Definitely not!! I was very disturbed by what I saw there. There was NOTHING FUN happening here. Neither the women nor the men were smiling. The men sat frozen, with laser focus on her, like stalking prey.
My friend and I were the only two females in the place (not on stage) and I had never felt so on display or uncomfortable in my Life! Men felt entitled to stare at us, I guess they figured in this setting, we must want to be oogled. I did not, at all. I felt like I may as well be sitting on top of one of those hollywood spot lights that swing to & fro on premier nights. What's WORSE, I could not believe when I saw that my husband and her husband's chairs were empty!!!!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY:
They were gone!! I looked around and did not see them! I looked around furiously, and still did not see them!! I did NOT want to get out of my chair, and walk around (for all to see my figure), and my friend (very weirdly) did not seem bothered by this. Now, instead of feeling just on display, I felt very vulnerable as well. I wondered who in their right mind considered this a date, sexy or a good time. No one, I decided.
Where the hell had they gone?? And why did he not even tell me that he was leaving?? Naive as I may have been, and though I'd never been in a strip joint in my Life, I was still wise enough to know that there were little rooms where private hooking went on. My God, could he possibly be in a place like that?? Would he DO something like that to me?? On today of all days? Was he capable of that??? I hadn't thought so, based on our 4+ year history together... but I also didn't think that he was capable of leaving me stranded, on our Anniversary trip, on Valentine's Day in a God Damned Strip Club. So, I guess that it turns out that maybe I didn't know...
I went from feeling very vulnerable and a little frightened to downright pissed!! I wanted to LEAVE AND I WANTED TO LEAVE RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW!!!!
Finally, I saw them. Leaning casually against a balcony chatting. I hadn't realized that there was an upstairs. As soon as they returned, I demanded that we leave and I essentially just told them everything that I just told you, in Tone #5. (Not exactly at the top of my voice, but nearly. Just emphatic enough so that while it's clear that I am seriously not happy, yet not so emphatic that there was any mistaking my words).
Just when I thought that I could not be further disappointed by my husband, or hurt by him, instead of turning into a ball of goo and begging my forgiveness, telling me that I was the only woman in the world that he wanted or adored, that he was devoted to me, that I had nothing to worry about and he never meant to hurt me... no, he did not say any of those things. They all told me that I was wrong, they said sorry, but with no Heart, and they had no idea what I was upset about and couldn't understand how I could be so angry. I WAS THE BAD GUY.
We ordered Chinese Food, watched tv and headed to our separate rooms~ they to theirs, and my husband and I to the guest room, without much further discussion. Then, I remembered that I had on my new bra & panties as we undressed for bed.
I contemplated what was the right thing to do for a moment before I undressed. Should we have a romantic encounter and end the night on a high note and try and save some semblance of this holiday and this trip? Or, should I just hurry out of them before he sees them and quickly close my eyes? Should we have it out? Did anything happen with him and a stripper?! I didn't think so, but I wasn't sure. He told me that they'd been on the balcony watching us the whole time, but my trust for him had been damaged considerably... what I would have taken at face value, without question, twenty four hours ago, I felt I no longer could.
Finally, I decided to test the waters, to see where we were. I took off my clothes where he could see me, and I knew that if I made romance an opportunity, when I saw his eyes, if he had been unfaithful, that I would know it immediately!
What followed was something that I could have never foreseen, or possibly imagined.
He leaned up on one elbow and said as coldly as I have ever heard anyone say anything: "IS THAT NEW???" There was something in his voice that I didn't recognize. It terrified me.
This was not the reaction I expected at all! Not only was there not going to be any romance or making up, but there was something chilling and awful happening. I was thrown. I didn't know what to do. The one person in the world who I believed would be my Lover, my Champion, my Man and the Father of my Children for the rest of my Life, was now, what??
So I answered him, feeling small, and not sure why, "Yes. I got it at Target. It was $14." That was not enough to satisfy him. He yelled and screamed about money. I felt naked and like he was someone who I never saw before in my Life! And in fact, he was.
I laid down and covered up. I faced my back to him and lay on my side. He pulled all of the covers off of me and I tugged to pull them back. He instantly mounted me, with his knees on my arms and his hands around my throat and strangled me~
I lay very still. Somewhere inside of me a quiet voice was telling me not to move. The voice was keeping me calm. I knew that if I struggled that he would choke me harder and I would die. So, I lay there perfectly still, perfectly calm, saying nothing. It occurred to me that if he did kill me, that at least he would be exposed for the shit husband that he was! And that he would have to answer for it!! I could live with that.
Finally, he stopped. He pulled all of the blankets onto himself and went to sleep. And I realized that I had made the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
The story does not go up much from there, but that was the only time that he did anything truly Life-threatening. To this day, I don't know what happened at the strip club~ did he cheat on me, and did his guilt drive him to this madness? Or did he pick up some energy there that took over him because he was susceptible to it? He was taken over by something, as he did not even recall that the strangulation had happened. But that is not the most important part of this story.
The most important part of this story is that it took me two and a half years after this incident to leave him, and three tries. I didn't talk about this to nearly anyone... I'm not even sure which of my closest friends know about it. I was ashamed. I thought that I must be an awful wife for him to hate me so much and to treat me so bad. I thought I could I fix it by acting 'better'. I wondered if secretly, that marriage was like this for everyone, and maybe just nobody talked about it.
When I told my boss that I was leaving my husband, he would sing "Stand By Your Man" every time he walked by me. My Grandmother said, "I thought that when you got married, that you said that it would be forever..." I went to see two Priests, whom of course had never been married, possibly never been in Love, and I'm pretty sure not strangled by their Beloved. They had nothing for me. Less than nothing. I felt much WORSE after leaving their "Counsel".
The biggest thing that kept me there was the idea I had that Divorce. Was. Wrong. Period. Always. In all circumstances. No two ways about it~ I made a promise to GOD and I was going to Keep It!! Apparently, at any cost. I even contemplated suicide over divorce. I watched my wedding video nearly every day, for months, to remind myself of the promise I had made.
And then, one day I told a friend of mine, whom I respected, something. Not everything, just a nibble on a hook, to see what she would say. I call her the second best Catholic in the world next to the Pope, and as I had converted to Catholicism upon our marriage, I was interested in her opinion.
I told her that he had called me some terrible names, and she listened gently, and told me that she didn't think that was right. She tenderly recommended that I go talk to "her friend" Madeleine.
"Her friend Madeleine" was Madeleine Rose, a Counselor, and I didn't know quite what a wreck I was until she opened her door and I burst out bawling just to look at her!! And I didn't stop. I finally let loose the dam of the terror that had become my Life. I held nothing back! "And he..." "And he..." And he..." I said, until she finally stopped me.
"Lizz," she said, very measured and directly, "I have been listening to you continually now for 15 minutes. And I only have one question for you." I stopped bawling the best that I could, tears still streaming down my cheeks. Then she asked it:
"WHY are you STILL with this Man?"
"BECAUSE, I MADE A PROMISE... TO GOD!!" I Bellowed, surprised at the emphasis on the word "God" coming from me.
She smiled slightly, and looked at me lovingly. "Did Chantel tell you much about me?" she asked. "No," I said, slobbering... and I could see that she had something for me. She had a gift for me, though I couldn't imagine what it was: "Lizz, I used to be a Nun!!"
The word hit me like a 2 x 4. I realized that I was sitting in the presence of someone distinctly qualified to give me her opinion!
"Sometimes in our human understanding, we make promises to God, before we have any idea of what God has in store for us..."
"And I can tell you one thing, you're no good to God the way that you are now."
And I got it. I mean, I REALLY. GOT. IT. I got it Completely! Instantaneously!! My Heart Swelled bigger than my head and I. Was. Free.!!!
{I am forever grateful to Madeleine and to Chantel, for setting me free. Thank you, my Sisters of Faith}
*** * *** * *** * *** **** * *** * *** * *** * *** *
So free, in fact, that I lost thirteen pounds in two weeks and did not sleep but a wink for that period! I moved in with my parents and my mind buzzed and raced with new possibilities of what my Life would be, could be!! Maybe I'd move to Switzerland? Maybe I'd be a Teacher? Maybe I'd...
My husband was contesting our Divorce, though he had no grounds, we owned nothing of value and we had no children. I'd been in a car accident (again) and my Dad, to spite him, was telling him to pay for the damages if he wanted to be my husband so badly. Finally, I just said that I would take the bills, he could have the stuff and let's just be done with it!!
He called and begged me to come over. This had happened many times, and they all ended the same way, with him begging me to come back. This time though, there was something different in his voice. He promised me that it would be different, he was NOT going to beg me to come back, and that there was something that he wanted to show me. I could hear in his voice that he meant it. He'd said that he had started going to church EVERY DAY since I left him. I believed him.
Reluctantly, I went. He led me upstairs and showed me a rosary that his Aunt had gotten him from Lourdes. It had large wooden beads, and silver link chain. He said, "I used to pray every day that you would come back to me. Then one day, Mother Mary told me that it was the wrong prayer. She told me that I should pray for whatever was best, for the both of us... and when I did, it started to turn to Gold." And sure enough, half of the rosary was gold. He was free too!
One frozen day, he stopped by unannounced, which was weird, and I was feeling really happy, wearing an apron, baking cookies. He handed me the newspaper from the porch and I honestly don't remember much of what was said, or what occurred, but it was uncomfortable enough that I called my Father, who came down right away. And he left... leaving tracks in the snow... It was the last time that I would see him alive.
IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY, 1994.
I was nervous. With Valentine's Day approaching and our Anniversary, and I wasn't sure about what kind of a state he was in, but I sensed that it was not a good one. He had struggled with Depression on and off for all his Life, and I was worried.
I went to bed, the night before our Anniversary and I asked God to please not let me wake up hearing that he had killed himself.
It was 7:48 in the morning and I was asleep, but with just enough wakefulness to hear the phone ring. My Dad answered and listened and I heard him say, "Oh, no."
I instantly knew. I heard him walk up to my Mother and tell her that he had killed himself. I screamed and they ran into my room. I hugged them and wished that I wasn't naked because I would have liked to hug them better, but I was too self-conscious to. "We don't know anything yet," my Dad said. "He didn't show up to work and his brother said that he is dead." "We don't know anything yet, Honey, and everything is going to be fine! Get dressed, come downstairs and I am going to call his Father."
He called, "We just got the news." he said, and "are we welcome over there?" We were and we went. I had very few words for anybody and none of us had much to say to one another. He had died on Valentine's day. I hugged his Mom and she told me that 75% of his Heart was gone. And the Coroner said that he'd never seen anything like it.
He had a fatal heart attack. He was 25 years old. One of the most sad things, was that his Mom was the one to find him. She went to his house, saw the papers stacked by the door and knew right away. She called the police and they were the first to go in.
They found him, at the side of the bed, holding his rosary and wearing the brown sepulchre. For those of you who are not familiar, it reads "Anyone found wearing this at the time of their death ascends directly into Heaven." I know that his Mom and his family took a lot of comfort in that.
I guess the reason why I wanted to share this part as well, is that it was integral to becoming who I am today. For years, terrible things would happen to me on Valentine's Day!! Including an entire palette of pop-- 2,000 individual cans-- falling on me!! This was before I understood body memory~ how traumas get trapped in memory in our cells, and can trigger trauma again, and again, and again on the same day, week or month until we figure it out and heal it.
And I hated it~ hated it~~ HATED IT!! I hated Valentine's Day!!! I LOATHED and dreaded the annual holiday of Valentine's Day more than any 20 people that you know put together~
I don't hate Valentine's Day anymore. I don't even hate what my husband did to me anymore. I have separated my like/dislike for the holiday from what does or doesn't happen to me or for me or not on February 14th. Nor do I feel the need to rebel against it, resist it, change it, ignore it or burn men in effigy on this day.
In fact, I Love it! I Celebrate it!! I decorated my d*mn tree for Valentine's Day and strung red & silver sparkly tinsel above my cabinets!!
Because I Love Hearts. And I Love the colors Red, and Pink, and Silver and White. And I Love them together and opposite one another. And I Love Romance, still. And I Love the Dream of a Beautiful Love~~ a True Love~~ and a Happy, Sexy, Laughter-Filled, Dancing Filled, Intimate, Real Partnership Lo ve.
And though, I know that I have no control over whether that happens for me or not, I do know that it surely won't unless I am open and available for it! And that I haven't separated myself from the joys, delights, and Essences of all that Love Between Lovers Is
Wishing you and your BeLoved all of these delights always~~ ❤❤
Lizz Christed
{The writer requests that you do not comment or reply to this post, as at the time that it is written, most people do not know how to do so with enough sensitivity, in a compassionate, non-violent way. She is not interested in your Spiritual Axiom of the Week, nor is she interested in hearing the defense of men. The writer already knows that "all men" are not alike and that "all men" don't abuse or rape women. The writer is also aware that this is not as uncommon occurrence as it should be, as violence has happened to One Billion Women.}
In the Spirit of raising consciousness and understanding, to those ends, I share (one of) my personal experiences with violence. As we can not change what we do not acknowledge. I have healed from this experience, so I am able to share it openly. I also speak for those who are not yet able to do so...
It was February 14th, 1991.
We were newly-wed, and it would be our first Valentine's Day ever!! I wanted it to be special and sexy and romantic and Fun!! After much cajoling, my husband agreed to take a trip to Texas to visit a friend of mine and her husband. He was concerned about money, but I assured him that we could drive and stay with them, so it would be fairly cheap. Finally, he agreed.
As I knew we would be there over Valentine's Day, I planned a surprise for him for that evening, by purchasing a new bra & panty set. It wasn't my first choice, but in the interest of frugality, I went with cotton. It was true red with little black polka dots and the tiniest bit of lace trim at the legs & waist, with a tiny black bow. It was cute and it would do fine. It would also be our First Anniversary on the 17th (three days later) and we would still be traveling then, so I was tempted to get a cream colored one as well, but thought best against it.
Valentine's was our Special Day, as we'd gotten engaged on it two years earlier, and married on February 17th the following year (the closest Saturday to it). I thought that Valentine's Day was the best. day. of. the. Calendar. Year!!!
We left on the 11th, and spent a day & night in Austin and Hill Country, and were surprised to discover a Vineyard & Winery and a Marina. It was a great day. Next stop was San Antonio, and we lolly-gagged around the River Walk, took in a NBA game, drank GINORMOUS margaritas and ate monstrosities named Burritos, for $4. It was Mardi Gras, and there was a gorgeous parade of Lighted Boats, Bands, Costumes, Festival Music... Fantastic~!!
The next day, on the 14th we arrived at my friend's house, outside of Dallas. We poked around town, he showed us his office, we saw the stadium. Next, they proposed that we go to a "Gentleman's Club." I could think of nothing that I would rather do less. Firstly, the fact that it is called a 'gentleman's club' is a complete misnomer, as there are no gentlemen in it! Secondly, this was NOT my idea of romance, or celebrating our marriage, or celebrating Valentine's Day... In fact, it was the complete opposite!! I said no about a dozen times, but I was out-voiced, and out numbered. We went.
We sat a round table in the middle of the room, about halfway between the door and the stage. It was daylight, there were a lot of empty tables and it was bright as a hospital cafeteria. This place, that they ASSURED ME was "elegant," was in fact, skuzzy, as all strip clubs, and I tried to figure out the least unpleasant place to put my eyes.
My friend and I were the only two females in the place (not on stage) and I had never felt so on display or uncomfortable in my Life! Men felt entitled to stare at us, I guess they figured in this setting, we must want to be oogled. I did not, at all. I felt like I may as well be sitting on top of one of those hollywood spot lights that swing to & fro on premier nights. What's WORSE, I could not believe when I saw that my husband and her husband's chairs were empty!!!!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY:
They were gone!! I looked around and did not see them! I looked around furiously, and still did not see them!! I did NOT want to get out of my chair, and walk around (for all to see my figure), and my friend (very weirdly) did not seem bothered by this. Now, instead of feeling just on display, I felt very vulnerable as well. I wondered who in their right mind considered this a date, sexy or a good time. No one, I decided.
Where the hell had they gone?? And why did he not even tell me that he was leaving?? Naive as I may have been, and though I'd never been in a strip joint in my Life, I was still wise enough to know that there were little rooms where private hooking went on. My God, could he possibly be in a place like that?? Would he DO something like that to me?? On today of all days? Was he capable of that??? I hadn't thought so, based on our 4+ year history together... but I also didn't think that he was capable of leaving me stranded, on our Anniversary trip, on Valentine's Day in a God Damned Strip Club. So, I guess that it turns out that maybe I didn't know...
I went from feeling very vulnerable and a little frightened to downright pissed!! I wanted to LEAVE AND I WANTED TO LEAVE RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW!!!!
Finally, I saw them. Leaning casually against a balcony chatting. I hadn't realized that there was an upstairs. As soon as they returned, I demanded that we leave and I essentially just told them everything that I just told you, in Tone #5. (Not exactly at the top of my voice, but nearly. Just emphatic enough so that while it's clear that I am seriously not happy, yet not so emphatic that there was any mistaking my words).
Just when I thought that I could not be further disappointed by my husband, or hurt by him, instead of turning into a ball of goo and begging my forgiveness, telling me that I was the only woman in the world that he wanted or adored, that he was devoted to me, that I had nothing to worry about and he never meant to hurt me... no, he did not say any of those things. They all told me that I was wrong, they said sorry, but with no Heart, and they had no idea what I was upset about and couldn't understand how I could be so angry. I WAS THE BAD GUY.
We ordered Chinese Food, watched tv and headed to our separate rooms~ they to theirs, and my husband and I to the guest room, without much further discussion. Then, I remembered that I had on my new bra & panties as we undressed for bed.
I contemplated what was the right thing to do for a moment before I undressed. Should we have a romantic encounter and end the night on a high note and try and save some semblance of this holiday and this trip? Or, should I just hurry out of them before he sees them and quickly close my eyes? Should we have it out? Did anything happen with him and a stripper?! I didn't think so, but I wasn't sure. He told me that they'd been on the balcony watching us the whole time, but my trust for him had been damaged considerably... what I would have taken at face value, without question, twenty four hours ago, I felt I no longer could.
Finally, I decided to test the waters, to see where we were. I took off my clothes where he could see me, and I knew that if I made romance an opportunity, when I saw his eyes, if he had been unfaithful, that I would know it immediately!
What followed was something that I could have never foreseen, or possibly imagined.
He leaned up on one elbow and said as coldly as I have ever heard anyone say anything: "IS THAT NEW???" There was something in his voice that I didn't recognize. It terrified me.
This was not the reaction I expected at all! Not only was there not going to be any romance or making up, but there was something chilling and awful happening. I was thrown. I didn't know what to do. The one person in the world who I believed would be my Lover, my Champion, my Man and the Father of my Children for the rest of my Life, was now, what??
So I answered him, feeling small, and not sure why, "Yes. I got it at Target. It was $14." That was not enough to satisfy him. He yelled and screamed about money. I felt naked and like he was someone who I never saw before in my Life! And in fact, he was.
I laid down and covered up. I faced my back to him and lay on my side. He pulled all of the covers off of me and I tugged to pull them back. He instantly mounted me, with his knees on my arms and his hands around my throat and strangled me~
I lay very still. Somewhere inside of me a quiet voice was telling me not to move. The voice was keeping me calm. I knew that if I struggled that he would choke me harder and I would die. So, I lay there perfectly still, perfectly calm, saying nothing. It occurred to me that if he did kill me, that at least he would be exposed for the shit husband that he was! And that he would have to answer for it!! I could live with that.
Finally, he stopped. He pulled all of the blankets onto himself and went to sleep. And I realized that I had made the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE.
The story does not go up much from there, but that was the only time that he did anything truly Life-threatening. To this day, I don't know what happened at the strip club~ did he cheat on me, and did his guilt drive him to this madness? Or did he pick up some energy there that took over him because he was susceptible to it? He was taken over by something, as he did not even recall that the strangulation had happened. But that is not the most important part of this story.
The most important part of this story is that it took me two and a half years after this incident to leave him, and three tries. I didn't talk about this to nearly anyone... I'm not even sure which of my closest friends know about it. I was ashamed. I thought that I must be an awful wife for him to hate me so much and to treat me so bad. I thought I could I fix it by acting 'better'. I wondered if secretly, that marriage was like this for everyone, and maybe just nobody talked about it.
When I told my boss that I was leaving my husband, he would sing "Stand By Your Man" every time he walked by me. My Grandmother said, "I thought that when you got married, that you said that it would be forever..." I went to see two Priests, whom of course had never been married, possibly never been in Love, and I'm pretty sure not strangled by their Beloved. They had nothing for me. Less than nothing. I felt much WORSE after leaving their "Counsel".
The biggest thing that kept me there was the idea I had that Divorce. Was. Wrong. Period. Always. In all circumstances. No two ways about it~ I made a promise to GOD and I was going to Keep It!! Apparently, at any cost. I even contemplated suicide over divorce. I watched my wedding video nearly every day, for months, to remind myself of the promise I had made.
And then, one day I told a friend of mine, whom I respected, something. Not everything, just a nibble on a hook, to see what she would say. I call her the second best Catholic in the world next to the Pope, and as I had converted to Catholicism upon our marriage, I was interested in her opinion.
I told her that he had called me some terrible names, and she listened gently, and told me that she didn't think that was right. She tenderly recommended that I go talk to "her friend" Madeleine.
"Her friend Madeleine" was Madeleine Rose, a Counselor, and I didn't know quite what a wreck I was until she opened her door and I burst out bawling just to look at her!! And I didn't stop. I finally let loose the dam of the terror that had become my Life. I held nothing back! "And he..." "And he..." And he..." I said, until she finally stopped me.
"Lizz," she said, very measured and directly, "I have been listening to you continually now for 15 minutes. And I only have one question for you." I stopped bawling the best that I could, tears still streaming down my cheeks. Then she asked it:
"WHY are you STILL with this Man?"
"BECAUSE, I MADE A PROMISE... TO GOD!!" I Bellowed, surprised at the emphasis on the word "God" coming from me.
She smiled slightly, and looked at me lovingly. "Did Chantel tell you much about me?" she asked. "No," I said, slobbering... and I could see that she had something for me. She had a gift for me, though I couldn't imagine what it was: "Lizz, I used to be a Nun!!"
The word hit me like a 2 x 4. I realized that I was sitting in the presence of someone distinctly qualified to give me her opinion!
"Sometimes in our human understanding, we make promises to God, before we have any idea of what God has in store for us..."
"And I can tell you one thing, you're no good to God the way that you are now."
And I got it. I mean, I REALLY. GOT. IT. I got it Completely! Instantaneously!! My Heart Swelled bigger than my head and I. Was. Free.!!!
{I am forever grateful to Madeleine and to Chantel, for setting me free. Thank you, my Sisters of Faith}
*** * *** * *** * *** **** * *** * *** * *** * *** *
So free, in fact, that I lost thirteen pounds in two weeks and did not sleep but a wink for that period! I moved in with my parents and my mind buzzed and raced with new possibilities of what my Life would be, could be!! Maybe I'd move to Switzerland? Maybe I'd be a Teacher? Maybe I'd...
My husband was contesting our Divorce, though he had no grounds, we owned nothing of value and we had no children. I'd been in a car accident (again) and my Dad, to spite him, was telling him to pay for the damages if he wanted to be my husband so badly. Finally, I just said that I would take the bills, he could have the stuff and let's just be done with it!!
He called and begged me to come over. This had happened many times, and they all ended the same way, with him begging me to come back. This time though, there was something different in his voice. He promised me that it would be different, he was NOT going to beg me to come back, and that there was something that he wanted to show me. I could hear in his voice that he meant it. He'd said that he had started going to church EVERY DAY since I left him. I believed him.
Reluctantly, I went. He led me upstairs and showed me a rosary that his Aunt had gotten him from Lourdes. It had large wooden beads, and silver link chain. He said, "I used to pray every day that you would come back to me. Then one day, Mother Mary told me that it was the wrong prayer. She told me that I should pray for whatever was best, for the both of us... and when I did, it started to turn to Gold." And sure enough, half of the rosary was gold. He was free too!
One frozen day, he stopped by unannounced, which was weird, and I was feeling really happy, wearing an apron, baking cookies. He handed me the newspaper from the porch and I honestly don't remember much of what was said, or what occurred, but it was uncomfortable enough that I called my Father, who came down right away. And he left... leaving tracks in the snow... It was the last time that I would see him alive.
IT WAS VALENTINE'S DAY, 1994.
I was nervous. With Valentine's Day approaching and our Anniversary, and I wasn't sure about what kind of a state he was in, but I sensed that it was not a good one. He had struggled with Depression on and off for all his Life, and I was worried.
I went to bed, the night before our Anniversary and I asked God to please not let me wake up hearing that he had killed himself.
It was 7:48 in the morning and I was asleep, but with just enough wakefulness to hear the phone ring. My Dad answered and listened and I heard him say, "Oh, no."
I instantly knew. I heard him walk up to my Mother and tell her that he had killed himself. I screamed and they ran into my room. I hugged them and wished that I wasn't naked because I would have liked to hug them better, but I was too self-conscious to. "We don't know anything yet," my Dad said. "He didn't show up to work and his brother said that he is dead." "We don't know anything yet, Honey, and everything is going to be fine! Get dressed, come downstairs and I am going to call his Father."
He called, "We just got the news." he said, and "are we welcome over there?" We were and we went. I had very few words for anybody and none of us had much to say to one another. He had died on Valentine's day. I hugged his Mom and she told me that 75% of his Heart was gone. And the Coroner said that he'd never seen anything like it.
He had a fatal heart attack. He was 25 years old. One of the most sad things, was that his Mom was the one to find him. She went to his house, saw the papers stacked by the door and knew right away. She called the police and they were the first to go in.
They found him, at the side of the bed, holding his rosary and wearing the brown sepulchre. For those of you who are not familiar, it reads "Anyone found wearing this at the time of their death ascends directly into Heaven." I know that his Mom and his family took a lot of comfort in that.
I guess the reason why I wanted to share this part as well, is that it was integral to becoming who I am today. For years, terrible things would happen to me on Valentine's Day!! Including an entire palette of pop-- 2,000 individual cans-- falling on me!! This was before I understood body memory~ how traumas get trapped in memory in our cells, and can trigger trauma again, and again, and again on the same day, week or month until we figure it out and heal it.
And I hated it~ hated it~~ HATED IT!! I hated Valentine's Day!!! I LOATHED and dreaded the annual holiday of Valentine's Day more than any 20 people that you know put together~
I don't hate Valentine's Day anymore. I don't even hate what my husband did to me anymore. I have separated my like/dislike for the holiday from what does or doesn't happen to me or for me or not on February 14th. Nor do I feel the need to rebel against it, resist it, change it, ignore it or burn men in effigy on this day.
Because I Love Hearts. And I Love the colors Red, and Pink, and Silver and White. And I Love them together and opposite one another. And I Love Romance, still. And I Love the Dream of a Beautiful Love~~ a True Love~~ and a Happy, Sexy, Laughter-Filled, Dancing Filled, Intimate, Real Partnership Lo ve.
And though, I know that I have no control over whether that happens for me or not, I do know that it surely won't unless I am open and available for it! And that I haven't separated myself from the joys, delights, and Essences of all that Love Between Lovers Is
Wishing you and your BeLoved all of these delights always~~ ❤❤
Lizz Christed
Your vulnerability in sharing your Truth is incredibly Beautiful. I feel your heart and am moved by the eloquence with which you weave these feelings into your story. A Poetic Grace. Gratitude!! <3
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Namaste' <3 <3
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