All My Loves ♥ A Psychic's Search for my Twin Flame

I am one who thought that she found "The One" at least EIGHT? times?? or more??   The words soul mate and Twin Flame were not in my vocabulary at first, I just thought of that special man as The One.   The One who was meant for me, the one who I would share my Life with, make a family with and grow old with.  

First, it was my husband, like many indoctrinated Nebraskans, we married in our early Twenties.  We were married for 3 1/2 (miserable) years-- because at that age, you just don't know what you don't know.

Then came international exchange student Teo Muhammed, who was EVERYTHING that my husband wasn't~~ rich, worldly, exotic, brazen, ambitious, mysterious and spoke with a shocking amount of authority for a man his age!  Being from the other side of the world, I got an idea of how different his culture must have been, because I had never met anyone like him.  He was almost Mythical, not only in his Greek God olive skinned, green eyed, wavy hair, Roman featured Beauty, but also in the way that he spoke and thought.  He opened up a way of looking at the world from a big picture that blew. my. mind.   About many things, but also a way of understanding Americans in a new light.  Our naivety, our self-centeredness, our glories and our failures.  

Teo spoke with such clarity, strength and certainty, that sometimes I felt that the earth would open at his words-- but he wasn't jack-assey about it--  he was never condescending.  He had moments that were surprisingly vulnerable, and very thoughtful.  Always perfectly articulate.   There was only one catch~~ well, make that a few.  A few BIG ones.  He was from Turkey, and I was pretty sure that I didn't want to Live there... away from my Language, my friends, my family, my food, my culture... his family photos had guards armed with submachine guns in them, and yachts.  

Still, I wanted him.  I wanted to be who I was with him.  I wanted to see the world through his eyes, more and ever more...  I wanted to travel and to learn and to grow with him. 

Then came the bombshell, which he told me only after I had already fallen in Love with him, but before we slept together... actually, he didn't tell me, he made me guess. and guess. and guess again... he was betrothed.  I used the word that we used when we were studying Middle English together (which is how we met).   He asked me to be his Mistress, which appealed to me not. at. all.

I considered stopping his wedding but a chance meeting when I was locked out of my dorm saved me and my fate that night... I ate my Heart out and accepted a date with Brian Carter Bradley instead.  

Brian! ♥   Brian changed everything, as he was a kindred of a new kind.   Not just of my personality and my physical desires, but also held the vision of how to Live, what Life should be like that jived with me.  Brian was so much like me~ he even looked like a male version of me.  I was hung up on him for 4 years after we broke up.  And because of him, I fancied only men with light brown hair and hazel eyes for a very long time.

It was just a theory forming at the time, but somewhere inside of me, I had made the connection that people with my coloring shared more than that from our genes.  That we shared a common purpose and a common knowledge.  That we came from the same place.

He was probably the first Democrat I had ever met (Californian, you know) though I don't think we ever used that word.  He thought like me.   I fell madly in Love with him the first night that I met him because he said these words:

   "I think this whole attitude of 'as long as me & my family are okay, forget everybody else'  is just... not good enough."

He was wonderful and we were so happy, except, he was an alcoholic, which he finally admitted to me one night.  So I'm not sure that he remembered and put as much meaning in our interactions as I did.  Our relationship, though blissful and swoony~ was short Lived.  Our flame burned bright and hot and consuming, and then inexplicably out.  I felt sure that Life could not be right if we weren't together.  

Maybe around this time, or not long thereafter, I became acquainted with the word 'Soulmate'.   I was certain that Brian was my Soulmate~~ so I tried to get him back for four years.  And then, finally succeeded, and then, it fizzled almost immediately.  At least I knew that I had done everything in my power to pursue it to it's conclusion, even if that conclusion was unsatisfying and confusing.  

In the end, he stayed in Hastings for a long time and I moved to Hawaii and went through a Shamanic Death, which was my Life Path that needed to happen.  So looking back, I could see why we needed to go our separate ways.

My next Love was everything that I was not looking for:  too young, short haired, Republican Farmer who drove a truck with a gun rack in the back.  On the upside, he was tall, light-Hearted and funny and soooo nice and one of the best looking guys I'd seen in my entire Life.  It was almost surreal, like the first time that I talked to him, I wasn't sure if it was words that would come out or something else~~ anything that may have transpired would not have been unexpected.  Rob was so peaceful and easy.  And his low stress way of being was very comforting and healing for me.  We had a Lovely year and a half or so, but it was clear to me that he would not be my long term partner.  He Lived on a farm and I had allergies.  He tried my city world for a while, but that was not to be either.

Many years would pass and there would be Lovers and year and a half long relationships that I could mostly take or leave.  I was not available for Love and sometimes I knew it more than others.  There were men whom I desired, whose company I enjoyed, who I cared about, but no one I was madly in Love with, or who I saw as my mate ~ my True Partner ~ my Soulmate ~ my One & Only.  There were just men and the question as to whether that part of my Life was over or was it just sleeping?


And then I moved to Maui, which opened my Heart immediately!!   I thought that it was Josh, but it was Maui that I was swimmingly in Love with. Maui.  The Sacral Chakra of the Hawaii Islands.  Maui is all about pleasure!  It is the most sensual feeling place on earth (as far as I know).

Within a few weeks, I stumbled across M. as I was walking through Lahaina Town.   He was working at a booth, smiling like a beacon!   I turned to look at him, to see if he was as incredible as I thought.  He was.  He had light brown hair, hazel eyes, gigantic smile, sparkly clean energy, bursting with Life, humor, personality, intelligence and enthusiasm.

He was a great salesman, which I always admire, and I watched him pitch a couple of ladies.  Then he turned his attention to me and they left. I felt bad, because I wasn't going to be buying anything from him and didn't want to cost him his money.   

If I knew then what I know now, I would say that he was an Atlantean and a Lemurian.  We were cut from the same cloth.  He knows how to Live, how to Love, how to Love Nature, how to have fun~~ he was so beautiful, and I could see that my Life with him would be so happy!!  I thanked God and apologized for ever having doubted him.  It was all worth it~~ now, it all made sense!  This sudden and unforeseen move half way across the world was not for nothing.  It was for something.  It was for something beautiful, a Paradise after all !!    

I apologized for interrupting him and he said, "I know you're not going to buy anything, I just want to talk to you."   And he smiled the biggest, most open, inviting, adorable smile that I believe I have ever seen!

A tunnel of energy literally formed around us (one of my earliest psychic visions) and literally, the rest of the world faded away.  He was sitting in the center of the circle.  I was in Love with him.  I was certain that he was my One & Only... and we Lived happily ever after... i don't remember what we were talking about... but it was so easy and fun and mutual.  I was remembering what it was like to be with a man who was a True kindred~~ I hadn't had that experience since Brian, so it had been years.... six? or more?  I had forgotten, that it was the most fun that a person can have!!   It was effortless and I felt like the very best version of me and that he could see it.  And that when I was with him, I was that.  I could see our house, I could see our future, I could see our Love, our Marriage, our children... 

He was talking about how much he Loved his job, how fun and easy it was and how much money he was making.  Then, about 10 minutes (?) into this world's most perfect meeting and conversation, he said, "And I went home to my wife, and I said, 'Baby, we're going to be Living on the beach!'"  I was astonished.  Was it then that I looked down and saw his bright, shiny, brand new wedding ring?  Not only was he married, but in the most cruel twist of fate, he was newly-wed!!   I had just. missed. him.

I was devastated.  I am sure that my face flushed and I mumbled something about having to go, I had to get away from his gaze~~ I didn't want him to see me after the bubble had burst.  (Unless you've experienced something like that first hand, it's hard to understand) but I went home and yelled at God, shook my fist at him and cried for about two hours and forty-five minutes!!  

For the six years that I Lived on Maui, I was in Love with him, from a distance.  There were a few unexpected twists in his Life that made it look like maybe we would somehow end up together, but fate played its final card in the end, and it was 'No'.  

Looking back, if I would have stayed on Maui and been blissed out with M, Living the Dolphin Life, I would have never gone to the Big Island.  And I would have never remembered Who I Am.  Which had to happen, not only for me, but for all of Earth & Humanity.

And there would be other Loves, as well.  Fated, potent, notable ones.  So, I did not Live happily ever after with M, neither did I with Britt or Alan, all of whom I would have called Soulmates, and who I thought were "the One."  There were others whom I could mention, but I've omitted. There was Dann, with whom I didn't have the spiritual kind of sharing, but who I could see myself building a Life with... 

I got so tired of Living without Love. You know, not the "I Love my family and I Love rainbows" kind of Love, I mean without that one person in my Life who I could call because I was having a terrible day, who I could watch sleeping, who I could give the neat greeting cards to that I would see in the store... sometimes I wondered if I would stick around long enough for it to find me, or me it... and sometimes I knew that I needed my freedom, because my work was so all-consuming.  And I was moving a lot!  Not really the kind of foundation that fosters a relationship or anything lasting.  Sometimes I cared a little, sometimes a lot, sometimes I didn't think about it much at all.  And there were the times when it almost ended me. 

I would go so far to say that, at the time, I thought that Britt was my Twin Flame.  And I might have thought that of M as well, having been given a chance to explore it.

I went back & forth between being certain that one day I would have the kind of Love that people read about throughout the Ages, and times when I wondered if it would pass my threshold... and then there were the times when I wondered if it would happen in a time frame that I could Live with. 

So, the point I am going to make is this:   Where I eventually have arrived after all of this encountering and Loving and leaving and learning and landing and just missing is this... that I find that there are several (many?) people whom we could Love.  And we can't choose who we Love (nor can we choose who we don't).  And with each one of them, a different Life, a different outcome, a different destiny is attached.  

Souls have multiple soul mates, and Old Souls have many, many of them~ by soulmates, I mean Loves whom we have encountered from earlier Lives and who we have that instantaneous, simultaneous feeling of familiarity and the mysterious.  Those moments of enhanced spark and salience that can not be planned, that only happen~~ when the world stops and the Universe announces, "Something special is happening here!"  There can only be so many moments like that in Life.  They are what we remember when we look back.

However, I have also learned that when these soulmates connect, the relationships offer incredible growth, learning, remembering, reconnecting with parts of ourselves that we had forgotten.  In my experience they have not ended happily, because after the learning and growth and reconnecting part is done, the relationships have come to an end.  If I could Live my Life again, I still would have explored these relationships, but I might have saved myself a lot of pain had I known that a person could have something so deep, so connected, so transformative and that it didn't automatically mean that we would end up together or that we should.  Our destinies are not necessarily aligned.  

*Important SideNote-- I am speaking of the Old World. The New World I like to believe will experience Love differently, I do not presume to project this past experience into the future.*

I will say this: that what I have with my current Love has started differently and develops differently and feels different from anything that I have ever experienced before. Our Soul History is astonishing in how long and meaningful that it is, and yet, we don't have that incredibly charged kind of connection. It is very peaceful. 

I didn't have that OH MY GOD kind of meeting experience with him, it was just really fun, I really enjoyed talking to him and I really liked him. I had no thoughts of the future, I was just happy to know that he was alive and he stood out as the highlight of my day~~ which was perfect, because when he asked me out, there was no attachment at all. I just thought about it and decided yes.

And I got to be myself and I got to be pursued. I have continued to be astonished by what has been revealed about him spiritually, what a huge soul he is, what a huge role he plays, and yet, in daily Life, he's the most ordinary guy you'll ever meet, humble to a fault.  It's extraordinary really.  And how perfectly I can see that we match, our purposes match, and that we've been looking for each other for a very long time.

I will cautiously say that I believe that Al is my Twin Flame, my other half, and I think that our experience of it is unique. I don't think that all Twin Flame connections feel like ours.  And that ours is developing and unfolding gradually, and though it doesn't always look like it, deliberately and carefully orchestrated in tune with all that is.

I think our future relationship will be a gem beyond all imagining. That's what I really feel and see.  But he's the kind of Man that knows how to grow things, that lets Nature take it's course, that builds solidly, Trusts slowly, and moves ahead deliberately.  I respect it, but there are moments of psychic fire in me when I want the future to unfold right before our eyes in one glorius, magnificent reveal and for him to know everything right now!!  And then, the wisdom that has finally started to drive my vehicle more often than not, in my Maturity, decides to go pull some weeds instead. 

What I can say that I have learned over time, that I know for sure is this:  

Matters of the Heart, matter. ♥ And when it's all said & done, all that matters is how we treated people and how well we Loved. ♥